** Please note: this is a sensitive post and potentially triggering as I talk about violence to women and mental health. Keep scrolling if it is not for you. No harm no foul. **
You have a mouth, ears, hands and feet.
Do you use them?
When you use them, are you encouraged or do you get threatened and told you are of no use, just fuck off, or perhaps you have someone shout full power at the top of their lungs in your face yelling that you need to shut up and sit down?
Bitch, be humble.
There comes a point when you become tired.
When all of these separate events build up, it starts to accumulate and hurts your heart. I’m a lover, not a fighter – so this shit cuts deep. It can rip your self-esteem, confidence and self-worth to pieces. It can also screw with your mind, make you worry so that you can’t breathe and strangers/angels are calling paramedics (yes, this happened on the downtown T.dot subway), maybe you become anxious or maybe even depressed and start to doubt yourself. Maybe you lose your spark, your twinkle in your eye, your joy, your hope or your peace…
There also comes a point when you are quite simply – fed up. Not to mention – pissed.
Why share today? If not now, then when? It’s World Mental Health Month. So, let’s have some real talk.
People like me when I am nice and quiet, laugh a lot, agreeable, when I am a lovely, caring PNG girl – got a nice smile, nothing in her brain tho. All she talks about is yoga.
However, God forbid if I have an opinion and express that. As someone who has expressed an opinion many times and been yelled at, threatened, spoken over, physically abused and experienced sexual violence and financial abuse, yeah, I’m tired. I feel rage. I’ve had enough.
What the fuck is a healthy relationship?
Somebody explain it to me, while I pay off someone else’s financial debt accrued in my name. If that’s not financial abuse, I don’t know what the hell it is.
Please tell me what a healthy relationship looks like cos I don’t bloody know what that is or what it looks like or feels like. Yes, I am resilient, and I am not a damsel in distress by any means. This is not a ‘I need help’ post. This is a ‘Please run when you see red flags’ post. You deserve a beautiful life.
Here’s the thing – I don’t want to be strong all the time though, I clearly have a lot of fire in me right now. But, what if I want a soft place to land, for someone to hold me and to hold space FOR me and be OK while I speak and endeavor to live my truth? All I want is love and peace but, hey … I’m tired of being strong and playing defense. Someone referred to me as ‘meri lo play lock’. Yeah – no shit, it’s easier to play lock than let anyone into my heart, let alone hear about my dreams or come into my home or my personal space. Even tho I have so much love to give…
I want to feel safe to speak freely. To feel supported, to be respected. I want to feel free to be me. I ask for the bare minimum. Amazing and wow.
I give respect, love and light – am I a crazy person to want that back?
Or am I destined to be shouted at and shut down?
Do you hate all women?
Or am I the lucky one to receive this hate?
Can’t we agree to disagree?
Am I not allowed an opinion or to express my thoughts or explain that I feel uncomfortable?
You know me — I won’t steamroll you. I’ll hold space for you and listen with love and respect, even if I disagree.
Has anyone heard about consent and actually understand what that means?
It means you respect someone’s opinion, decision, body, mind and space. You don’t steamroll, you don’t take or you don’t touch when you have not been invited in. I mean this in every way possible, including consent with dating, sex, love and marriage. I write this as someone who has experienced sexual violence – no invitation, just grabbing at my body, touching, hurting my mind…but not my spirit. You cannot diminish my spirit that lives and burns oh so hot right now.
So I sit in my yoga classes with the intention to shift this anger into something productive, healing, something to serve my communities, I do the work daily, and sit and pray. I am grateful for my inhale and exhale to calm myself. I settle…and this comes up. My desire for respect.
Isn’t that what any human being wants?
Isn’t that what any woman wants and deserves?
Or am I expected to always take the high road?
That’s what a good PNG woman does, right? She is humble, quiet, peaceful, agreeable and friendly, never rocks the boat. Keeps the peace.
Love and light.
How much love and light am I expected to give and give and give?
At what cost?
My mental health?
What about my feelings?
I don’t fucking think so. No more bullshit. I am not your doormat for you to come and wipe your filthy feet on.
I share today to ask that you please advocate and live for yourself. You deserve to live a peaceful, safe and joyful life. This post is against violence. I am OK, I know some of you may be concerned. I am more than OK. I also share to highlight that yoga is a transformational practice. There is yoga therapy and the science is catching up with what India has always known. The practice offers a chance to breathe and create a clear and peaceful mind. You are basically resetting your nervous system which is great for healing. Please be clear this is a post for peace and against bullying and abusive behaviour. Enough is enough. Healthy love exists.
I wish you peace and love, always. Roxy xo